I get it now!

I finally understand what is truly meant by "Misery Loves Company"....

When something happens that takes your life from what you knew to a place of uncertainty, regret, pain, grief, sadness, despair and emptiness there is only one way to feel. It is utter Misery.

It is an extreme state of sorrow, pain and anxiety in the body and mind that is so intense that you can't stop ruminating the should haves, would haves, and the future that will never be the same nor shall it exist. Food is no longer appealing and water is only consumed because it is the one tangible thing that you know is needed to live. The heartbreak is unforgiving as it creeps in slowly; one minute you think there is peace but the next....pain rips into your heart and mind like the first time you heard the words; "Aaron's gone". The sadness comes without warning and then turns into complete rage, anger, frustration, blame and a passion to understand what is incomprehensible.

When does "Misery Loves Company" make her entrance? She makes it daily.

When she watches others carry on with their lives without the emptiness that you feel. When others share relationships with brothers and sisters that you can never get back or take part in again. When those around you laugh and joke because their worlds are bright yet yours is dark and shattered to fragments.....

...and you are left a bystander with only memories of words spoken and those photographs. Your love for someone so pure and deep has been minimized to photographs, reminiscing and the voice in your head that tries to help you hold on to

the sound of his voice.

While everyone else just goes on. They carry on. They expect you to carry on.

The obligations of life don't slow down, they continue but you are missing something.

I am missing something, well actually it's not missing.... it is gone.

He is gone.

It is painful to watch the world continue without you bro. It is painful that your funeral was out of sequence and your wedding day will be one only left to my imagination.

Misery doesn't want others to feel how we/I/they feel.

Misery just wants time to stop for a moment so that it can digest the unimaginable shift that just took place. To sit still. To try looking at the world as it was, before March 2nd, before the only outlook present became seeing things without you. To have someone to sit with it and understand the pain that ills your stomach, heart and mind.

Misery doesn't want you to feel misery. Misery wants your comfort, your compassion and your understanding....

...And honestly, misery wants you to pretend for a while, to conceal your happiness for a moment just so that I can catch my breath. Just so that I can learn what it is to smile without feeling a sense of disloyalty. Misery doesn't wish bad on you, it doesn't want your company in that way, it just wants your reverence and understanding that what pains me will not quickly go away....and recognize that sometimes I don't want it to because it is the one thing that still keeps me connected to you.

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I praise God for his grace and mercy. I praise Him for covering me, I praise Him for allowing me the honor of being Aaron's sister.

I love you always bro! Amen.